Life would be better if I never existed. That is the thought that goes through my head daily. Some days I want to run my car off a bridge or beat my head into the wall until I cant feel anything any more. No, my life was never hard nor I didn’t grow up in a horrible family. My family has always tried their best to be all that I needed. But, unknown to them they didn’t meet all the needs I had. No, it wasn’t their fault. Life just happened and it cause major effects on me.
When I was in the middle of my first grade years my family moved for the first time since I had been born. 2 years later we moved again. 2 more years later we moved again. Then I was homeschooled for a semester. Then I started at another school for 2 years. After that we moved again. Stayed there for 2 years then moved for the last time to the town we have now been in for almost 5 years.
I said all that to say that moving is what started my depression. Making friends, leaving friends, making friends, leaving friends. It was a very hard and very painful thing. After our last move to a town call Vilonia in Arkansas I had had enough. I could not handle being taken away from so many friends. Not knowing if we were going to move again or not I started to put up a wall to keep people out. This worked for a while, but I started to become lonely. This caused me to start looking for a person that would make me feel special. Well, it happened. I found someone who liked me, so I decided to date them even though I did not like them. (Side note: I was 14 at the time and my dad did not want me dating until I was 16, so all “boyfriends” before I was 16 were all hidden behind my parents back.) Long story short, we dated 11 months and did many many things I regret to this day. During that relationship I started to become even more depressed because the person I was with was very depressed. After the relationship ended that wall I started to put up became so big that I let no one in except for one girl. This girl became one of my good friends. She was going through a lot of problems so I decided to let her in and help her out. Helping her out turned into a friendship that was pretty good. Other than this girl I let no one in and I started to become very introverted. I hardly ever talked and I only hung out with a few people from church. My depression was getting worse and worse, but I was too scared to talk about it.
Fast forward to freshman year of college. Guess who my roommate was? The girl who I let become my friend in high school. Everything was going to be great and wonderful right? Well, as college began my friend started to make friends and they would always make last minute decisions and wanted me to tag along with them. Yes, it was wonderful that they included me, but I for someone who is as introverted as I am last minute decisions and people I hardly new scared the mess out of me. I explained this to my friend, but she did not want to understand. She kept saying I was being dumb. Over time my depression started to make her very angry. This anger got so bad that she would yell and cuss at me for forgetting to take the trash out of the trashcan and other little things like that. All of that made my depression and introverted-ness much much worse. One day she decided to move to the room next door that we shared a bathroom with and shut me out of her life forever. Telling her parents and my friends from home that she was trying to make the friendship work, but coming back here always shutting her door and locking me out. My depression is now maxed out.
Now we are to the point in my life where I am now. Now, some of you might see my picture in the corner and say “her depression cant be that bad there is a guy with her in that picture” Well, long story short I am a follower of Jesus and I believe he can do some pretty awesome thing when you are going through a really hard time. Through out the mess with my friends this guy came into my life and he is a huge help and a great supporter and encourager. I still struggle with depression very bad. This explains my life in a short “Depression has a different quality than the normal range of sadness that you may feel throughout the day. When you are depressed you do not feel like being with anybody. You either sleep way more than usual or you can hardly sleep at all. Similarly, your appetite is either nonexistent or increases dramatically. Your energy level goes way down and you have a feeling of hopelessness about life. As difficult as it may be it is important to get out of the house and get some help. You are not alone” (Family Friend Poems). Yeah I feel this way and I know there really isn’t anything I can do, but I do know that I am here for a reason. One day I will get out of this funk and be something in life.
You may be reading this and saying there was no point to this, but there really was. I just wanted to give a brief view of my life and my depression, but wanted you to know that if you are depressed no matter how you feel or what you think your life is really worth living. You just have to take everything one step at a time. Yeah, you may still cry yourself to sleep and night, hate yourself, and wish you were dead. I understand I still do those things everyday, but I know if I still try hard at life and school one day I will become something and I could possibly make a difference in someones life.
Family Friend Poems. Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poems/sad/depression/#ixzz2yFMgosEN
kristenpaige95 